1950s. My worries as a young gay seminarian

Testimony sent by Pietro to the listening service I trust you

I want to tell my presence in the minor seminary, in the late 1950s, an emblematic and important period for me.

I was in the seminary, but not in Rome, where every now and then the three classes of the lower middle school carried out together the class tasks of all subjects, species of Italian and Latin.

In those circumstances it was easy for the places in a fairly large class to occupy randomly, even if some seminarians friends (whatever wanted to mean) always went close.

I did not have the malice of other boys, who knew who was homosexual with intuition and indeed some clearly talked about their eleventh or twelfth -year -old companions, defining them beautiful or not, but I was not of theirs and I was not part of any "secret group" or less.

One day, on the occasion of an Italian class task together with the others, in which we could bring the books that we wanted to carry out the theme, a neighbor of mine, perhaps of second grade, lent me one of his books before entering the classroom in which he had put a photograph as a bookmark. I opened it, intrigued by that photo, put there on purpose or by chance.

Appena vidi la foto di questo compagno, che fin ad allora mi era stato indifferente, ebbi un moto, prima dell’animo e poi del corpo, talmente forte per cui mi sentivo tutto eccitato, ma anche imbarazzato dal mio stato alterato, per dir così.

Non durò molto la cosa perchè poi mi misi a scrivere il tema. Avrei dovuto capire, dal quel primo episodio, quello che altri compagni più grandi avevano gia sospettato e maliziosamente compreso di me e che mie spalle commentavano.

Io ero certo ingenuo, ma non stupido per cui mi domandavo il perchè di quei commenti su di me, di quelle risatine sommesse, di quelle piccole e grandi prese in giro, che colpivano la mia eccessiva sensibilità , cosa che mi sono sempre portato dietro fino ad ora che ho 78 anni.

Non sono divenuto presbitero, per mia grande fortuna, non mi sono sposato e, in coscienza, non avrei mai potuto farlo.
Mi rimase sempre viva quella foto e quell’episodio e se fossi stato più smaliziato forse avrei dovuto capire a tredici anni compiuti, che ero omosessuale. Ma rimasi impaurito inconsciamente da quello che potevo essere, che a quel tempo era fonte di grande vergogna, specie in un Seminario.

Forse se mi fossi aperto con qualcuno le cose sarebbero andate diversamente, ma con chi?

Maybe I wouldn't have struggled to understand my homosexuality before accepting it, at the late age of 47 years. For decades I hidden my nature by leading a life of solitude, shame and the Reietto in the eyes of God, also denying the evidence, even in confession.

A neurologist told me, several years later, that I was bisexual and I cling up with that wrong judgment like Gramigna.

For years I suffered my diversity, ignoring certain that perhaps repression did not help me at all, on the contrary it worsened the situation, but I did not know this because I lived in a world of sexual repressed, assiduously attending church people.

I believe that this small personal episode can shed light on how it was, at that time, the situation of homosexuals.

*Thank Pietro to have wanted to give us for the publication on Gionata.org this personal testimony.