But can my gay friend fall in love with me?

Email sent to us by Caterina replies Alessandra Bialetti*, Social Pedagogist and Couple and Family Consultant from Rome

Hello everyone. I found your site because I had never been in this situation before. I've always wanted to have a gay guy as a best friend. Since I find it very difficult to make friends with straight guys, because they are attracted to me. Fate wanted me to meet this magnificent person who is so much like me. I'm a straight girl, but for me it doesn't change anything about our different sexualities. I love him as a person, and it's much more than when there is an ulterior motive between two straight people. The emotional and sentimental affinity between us is unique.
He has been openly gay since middle school, has never been with girls and has lived with his partner for 11 years. But what binds us is a truly rare platonic love, we are addicted to each other. Lately it seems to me that he wants to be for me the one who doesn't, he once told me that sometimes he regrets being gay. But I love his nature and I don't want him to change because he has to be himself with me. He is a very charming man, he admires me and sees me as beautiful. We made up a fairy tale that one day we would kiss on the tallest skyscraper in New York, and now he's making it a reality. He has never kissed any of the girls and now he says he would only like to do it with me. I have never wanted anything more, we often talk about this and I wouldn't want to force him to do what he doesn't want, or be what he isn't.
Tell me if you have a story similar to mine. Having a man who loves you and continues to tell you without an ulterior motive is wonderful, but I would never want to ruin his nature. Thank you in advance for reading these words.

Catherine

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The answer…

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Dear Caterina, thank you for sharing this moment of uncertainty and difficulty with us. I understand when you say you want a gay person as a best friend because, in this way, you wouldn't be sought out "just for physical attraction".
What you say is a very important point for you and your growth as it is, for everyone, to be desired and sought after for who we are, for our being people and not simply for our physical appearance. As you point out, the important factor is not people's sexuality but what they express, experience, feel, think and how they share it with others. From this point of view, the friendship you feel satisfies the profound need to live for what you are, rather for what it appears or what many look for in relationships.
You met on a level of great harmony and emotional affinity and this made you very close regardless of your differences. But now you say that things seem to be changing and he wants something different.
I think you have to focus on what you feel deep down and what you express in your writing: you don't want anything more and you don't want to "force" him to do what he doesn't want. It seems to me that you are quite clear with yourself and with him, but at the same time perhaps there may be a fear that something will change and the profound and unique relationship you have may be lost.

You also talk about "habituation" to each other and this can happen when two people experience a very strong harmony. The term you use, however, could hide both a small dependence that is difficult to break away from, and a fear of both of you to face the topic of your own affections (he his 11-year cohabitation relationship and you the right refusal to be sought only for the your beauty).
Perhaps you could discuss this and give each other a hand with all the understandable difficulty you feel in looking inside yourself and taking note of some mechanisms that don't help you grow.

There are no tips but only suggestions for you, I invite you to look even more deeply into yourself and find the clarity you need to define this relationship. In these cases, as in all fields of life, what becomes a priority is the search and affirmation of the truth even at the risk of losing something. If you feel like you don't want anything more, if you have respect, as you say several times, for his sexuality and his emotional choice, perhaps you could help him to be clear with himself and understand what he feels.
It seems you are the one who has a clearer vision of things and in this case being close to him could mean inviting him on a journey of authenticity with himself.

The "dream" of New York is fascinating and responds to that need for tenderness and care that everyone carries within themselves, but it could alter your relationship and make it something you don't want. If you are certain, as it seems, that you feel nothing other than a strong feeling of friendship and affinity, then it is up to you to establish the boundaries of what you think is right for you and for you, perhaps inviting him to a different reflection on himself . Thank you again for your openness and for sharing a piece of your life journey with us. A heartfelt hug.

Alessandra

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* Alessandra Bialetti, lives and works in Rome as a Social Pedagogist and Consultant for couples and families in various projects of various secular and Catholic associations and realities.

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