As a man to woman. A love beyond the genre

Article by Gaia Giorgetti taken from the weekly Tustyle, 30 August 2001, pp. 63-64

It's true, I'm married to a woman. But when I brought it to the altar I was a man. And today a sentence wants to dissolve our marriage. She and I have been and we remain a family, since I called myself Alessandro and she Alessandra*, who ironically of fate - has also become my new name. I changed sex five years ago and I was already her husband. Ale and I met 11 years ago and we got married in the town hall of the village where I was born, in the province of Modena.

Now the Court has canceled our marriage bond, but we are decided to fight together, with all the strength of our link, against this "state divorce".

I lived two lives, I had two identities, but the partner of my life is and it will always be her, Alessandra. In my first 20 years I was a man. In all respects, I adhere to the male model and the expectations of mine, a Catholic and traditional family. As a child I was a good baby. Timid, reserved, diligent and obedient. There was something that tormented me, deeply, but I had no faculty nor the tools to understand what it was.
For example, I was enchanted to look at the grandmother who made the puff pastry by hand: I don't know what I would have given to learn like my cousin; But they were "women's".

Sometimes I found myself dreaming and imagined when they grow up in the role of a fascinating girl. To the fantastic of the children, no one lies loudly and I didn't take care of it too much either. Then I went to middle school and scientific high school and grew like a good boy. At least, it belonged to everyone. I felt more and more uncomfortable with that body that was growing differently from how I felt inside. But I suffocated my first doubts, my first questions: "These oddities, Alessandro" I repeated "they are not good. Stroke straight".

So I committed myself to being even more male: gym, sports, friendships, girlfriends. At 18 I was a leader: at school I took good votes, I was class representative, I had many friends. Then I enrolled in the university: economics and trade in Modena. At that time, one evening, in the disco in Bologna, I knew Alessandra, a blonde girl with long hair. I liked it immediately.

We exchanged the phone numbers and we never separated. While my relationship with Alessandra was strengthened, inside me, we slowly gave up that fog that enveloped me. More and more often I repeated that I was wrong to feel different from the man that the others knew and appreciated.
My problem was not to mortify the desire to dress as a woman: my torment was within me, in my brain: I thought about women, but I had a man body. I loved Alessandra and, sexually, I had no or I have ever had, no attraction for men. After graduation I left for military service.

This step represented the turning point. Having walked away from home, from my family so protective and traditionalist, meant that I found myself for the first time only with myself. I was starting to understand who I really was, when the military service is finished. I went home, I found work in the bank and so I did the most natural thing in the world: I married Alessandra, whom I loved a lot.

It was 2005. Being husband and wife allowed us an intimacy that we didn't have before. And in that dimension I conquered the awareness of what I was day by day. I started talking about my transsexuality, because I had a companion next to me. This labor, however, has resulted in the crossroads well known to anyone who lives a condition like mine: did I have to continue to deny myself or start living according to my true nature?

I was ready to leave her for her happiness

I chose to become Alessandra. I felt strong enough: I worked, I had a role in the union, I felt loved and understood, I played cultural tools to face the necessary interventions and the consequences they entailed. It was not easy with Alessandra: I realized the absurdity of the situation and I was ready to let her go for her happiness. But she has always been by my side.

He followed me during the five surgical interventions I underwent around the world: USA, Thailand, Spain. From the first operation to the vocal cords to the last, with the change of real sex. So, in 2009, I also became Alessandra for the registry. And I requested my new identity card.
But in common, in Bologna, they replied: "Without divorce, no document". I rebelled immediately, starting a legal cause, but in February 2010 the Municipality of Bologna obtained the dissolution of my marriage.

I appealed, the judges gave me reason, claiming that two spouses cannot be separated if neither of them asks for it. The following month, however, the Municipality filed an appeal and obtained the cancellation, as marriage between people of the same sex is not allowed in our country.
Alessandra and I do not give up: we have appealed to the Court of Cassation and we will fight to defend the rights that she and I have acquired with a marriage sanctioned by law. And from our love.

Amarsi al di là dell’appartenenza sessuale e’ possibile di Francesca Gianquinto

A man who becomes a woman, changing the genital organs and the identity card, after transformation, should be attracted to a man on a sexual level. Alessandra, however, despite being a transsexual, continues to love his wife as before, to the point of claiming even the validity of their marriage on a strictly bureaucratic level. How do you explain?

"And rare, but possible" says Marco Rossi, sexologist and psychiatrist "in this case, evidently, the centrality of the relationship prevails there is an all -round love relationship, based on pillars such as affinity, complicity, mutual understanding. It is such a solid relationship that it can support and also face a radical change, without being destroyed.

In fact, sexual belonging in history becomes secondary as regards the sexual aspect, it must be clarified that there are trans that prefer a men and trans partner who prefer a women's partner, as they are lesbians. So, then, you have to see if the partner accepts, as the new situation happens to Alessandc ».

* Alessandra Bemaroli, 40 years old. In 2005 he was a man and married Alessandra. In 2009 she became a woman and a sentence said the marriage null. Today it is awaiting the final judgment of the Cassation.