What can we do when a teenage son is homosexual?

Article published on the periodical's website Le Journal des femmes (France) on 19 November 2019, freely translated by Giovanna Palazzo

As you waited in silence outside the high school gate, you were surprised your teenage child to kiss another boy/girl? During a dinner your daughter comes to announce that she is in love with another girl?

Learn about your children's homosexuality It's a difficult news to accept for some parents, who need time to accept it. How to broach the topic with your child? How to react to his coming out and help him/her overcome the judgment of others? Let's hear the answer from Thibault Bataille, psychologist.

According to an Ifop survey carried out on 3013 people and published in June 2019, the French seem more open towards homosexual couples: 85% believe it is a legitimate way to experience one's sexuality, compared to 67% in 1996 and 24% in 1975.

In the long term, the phenomenon of normalization of homosexuality it also appears in the growing percentage of French people who accept the idea of ​​having a homosexual child as the survey confirms.

In fact, 72% accepted this idea in 2019, compared to 61% in 2003 and 41% in 2006, i.e. a little before the debate on the law that established PACS in France.

Among the people who are still very against the idea of ​​their children dating people of the same sex, Ifop notes that they are people strongly imbued with a sexual morality of religious origin, and who more easily reject their children. Mentalities therefore change little by little. Finally, more than eight out of ten French people believe that a homosexual couple is incapable of taking on a parental role like a heterosexual couple.

Is your son homosexual? Let him talk.

Adolescence it is the period during which we search for ourselves, we question ourselves, we grope in the dark and we discover our sexuality. Become aware of your own homosexuality it can be a long and complex stage: even if today society is more tolerant than in the past regarding homosexual couples, revealing one's true sexual identity remains a delicate matter, especially when the child perceives that he is not the norm, explains Thibault Bataille.

Above all, confessing to your parents that you are attracted to people of the same sex upsets the image you had of your parents, and above all risks disappointing them. In fact, all parents plan and imagine a future for their children, and see this future completely called into question.

And let's be clear, the vast majority of parents he has no intention of having a homosexual child, because he is afraid that he will be excluded, rejected, laughed at and therefore unhappy, says the psychologist. However, no parent wants their child to suppress their feelings and hide who they really are, a choice that will still make them unhappy.

It is therefore up to your teenager to decide whether or not he wants to talk to you about his attractions, his doubts or what he feels. But for him to take the initiative to speak, he must feel free to tackle difficult topics.

It is very important to respect the adolescent's intimacy and foster a climate conducive to conversation between him/her and you, which requires good will, open-mindedness and patience. In short, if he wants and feels that the climate is conducive to listening and dialogue, he will talk about it calmly.

Coming out: how to react to the news?

If your teenager takes the initiative to talk to you about his or her sexuality, does what is commonly called his “coming out”. Consider it a nice test of trust: he thinks it's important that you know, he thinks you won't judge him, better yet, that you will support him.

So, whether you take it with tolerance, whether you find it difficult to digest, or even whether you find it inconceivable, his sexual orientation It shouldn't concern you at all. Your teenager just wants you to respect his or her choices.

Being disappointed or worried are normal reactions, but they usually fade over time. Furthermore, “It is not necessary to want to accept this idea at all costs when your child talks to you about it. You can take your time (a few days or several days, if you need it) to reflect, which will allow you to take a step back, better understand what your child is feeling, express your apprehensions and fears and gradually digest the news" says the specialist.

What is important is to demonstrate that you love him/her every day, even if you would never have considered this happening for him/her, that it will take time to get used to this idea and that what could be considered a rejection of his/her person is nothing more what a concern, and also pay attention to the stigma and the desire to necessarily label every person and situation.

Why not, young gays are not necessarily all mannered, and not all lesbians seem tomboys. In any case, Your child's sexual orientation cannot be guessed from his or her physical appearance, and vice versa.

Likewise, if your child dates someone of the same sex for a certain period of time, it does not mean that he or she is homosexual: “A teenager may have difficulty finding love, and has the right to experiment with more situations. His choices are often far from final!” assures the expert.

Listen and advise

Finally, try to find the right distance: Be present and attentive, but not too curious. You must know how to respect his privacy and limit yourself to talking about contraceptive methods (pill, condoms male or female, etc.) and risky behaviors, and don't hesitate to ask him/her how he/she is doing at school (do his/her friends know this? Are you being teased?).

You can also ask him/her to introduce you to his/her boyfriend or girlfriend. This will show that you trust him/her and will support him/her, and this will also reassure him/her. But, once again, there is no rush: take some time, which will serve to be comfortable with this idea, to find your new orientation and to be truly ready to meet this person.

What does your disappointment and concern reflect?

“We don't become homosexual, and we don't choose to! The best thing is to take some time, especially so as not to break the parent-child relationship. Indeed, as parents, we plan things and also ask ourselves many questions: what will others think?

“When your son/daughter told you about his/her homosexuality, it was your point of view that changed, but in the end, the important thing is that your son/daughter is happy and satisfied with his/her life as a child. man or woman.

“I know what I'm saying because my mother was shocked when she found out I was a lesbian. But after a few difficult months, he saw above all that his daughter had remained the same, and our bond today is intact. Who we have around us is important, if you are close, the fact that it lasts gives no reason to feel guilty." (Laurelle69)

Indeed, parents may have legitimate fears about the future of their homosexual child. Some have fear of the reaction of others, of the judgment of others, who is not accepted by society or who suffers real discrimination at school and in his future professional environment.

For others it is the fear of sexually transmitted diseases or of not having grandchildren. In fact, very often parents hope to be grandparents, and homosexuality makes this family model a little more complex to build, but not impossible.

It is often a painful loss for parents, above all because it is accompanied, in most cases, by a deep sense of guilt: the sense of guilt of not having succeeded in transmitting the values ​​we wanted to transmit to them, the guilt of having failed in education, the guilt of having given a bad image of the "traditional couple"...

“Some parents may have thoughts like: what did I do wrong? What didn't I do? Or again, what have I done too much?”says Thibault Bataille: “These feelings of guilt are normal, but unfortunately these parents will never find satisfactory answers”.

So, there's no need to rant, “It's better to turn to a professional, such as a psychologist or an association who can offer them a space to talk and help them take a step back and free themselves from guilt”.

In any case, know that the cause of this or that sexual orientation cannot be explained, what is certain is that the way of raising a child cannot be responsible for homosexuality. And above all “There is no blame or guilt when it comes to your child's feelings and identity, especially if his/her choices make him/her happy”.

Also, should all siblings be informed about this? Yes, if they ask you what is happening and they are old enough to understand it. Why “It is better to avoid secrets and the unsaid within a family”, confirms the psychologist.

Original text: Today I'm a homo, I commented well on my “coming out”