I am married, Christian and bisexual. I'm desperate!

Email sent to us by Eros

Dear brothers, my name is Eros and I am a 38 year old evangelical Christian, married for 11 years and with two wonderful children. I have always been bisexual and my wife has known it since we got engaged, even if she never accepted it.
At the time I was with a guy, who I left to get together with her. Lately, for 6 months now, I have fallen madly in love with a man (a colleague), as had never happened to me before: I don't sleep anymore, I cry every night, I feel terrible!

I always and only think of him, in every moment: I want to see him, listen to his voice, talk to him. I'm literally going crazy! He doesn't suspect anything because I didn't let him know... At least I think so!

At the same time, I feel guilty towards my wife, who I love, and who would leave me if she found out all this: she has already threatened me several times to do so because she is extremely jealous and suspicious of all men and women!
Furthermore, I am terrified of hurting and losing children: if that happened, I think I would die because I love them so much!! I don't want to hurt my wife either, because she is everything to me and I love her deeply.

But I have been brutally suffocating a predominant part of my being for 12 years now, that is, since we got together and I gave up a gay lifestyle forever for love of him.
In all these years I have fallen into pornography several times (mostly gay), and my wife has never forgiven me for this since she discovered it 2 years ago...

Let's say I'm a gay man who also likes women, but I've never cheated on my wife (even though I've had several opportunities to do so!) and I don't have the slightest intention of doing so now.
Now, however, I fell into depression and asked God to let me die! In moments of greatest desperation, I even thought about suicide... What can I do? All this is endless torment. I'm exhausted.

This is hell on earth: I'm desperate!! I see no way out except in death. In your opinion, what does God want from me? Do you want me to suffer like this in order to respect my wife, or do you want me to live my homosexuality peacefully without so much guilt?

Hoping for your help and advice, I embrace you fraternally.

Eros