I feel attracted to my best friend and I don't know what to do!

Email sent to us by Andrea, replies Arianna Petilli, psychologist and psychotherapist

For some years now I go out with a boy in the same company. At the beginning it was all normal to say goodbye as friends and ended there, but for some time our relationship has intensified .. we spend much more time together, when we can, we tease ourselves with each other.

I didn't know that I could like a boy because I was also engaged to a girl, but since he entered my life I haven't really understood anything more! My parents would never accept this situation and I'm afraid, I don't know who to talk to having a comparison ..

Thanks in advance if you listen to me.

Andrea

The answer…

Dear Andrea, I understand well how the feelings and desire you write to feel for this boy may have sent you into confusion. You did well to write to us, after all the understanding of us also passes through sharing and comparison. From what you write I seem to understand that, before this boy, you never asked yourself about your sexual orientation. You were engaged to a girl and, probably, you were sure of your heterosexuality.

If you feel lost at this moment, it is more than understandable. After all, we live in a society in which they teach us to take for granted the heterosexuality of anyone, including ours. Find out attracted, from an erotic, mental and emotional point of view by a person of our own sex, can then activate a whole series of questions and, often, fears.

In your case, for example, the fear you write to try, perhaps not the only one, is what your parents may not understand and, in the worst hypothesis, refuse you.

For years I have been working with parents of gay and lesbian children who, upset by their child's coming out, feel the need to speak with someone who helps them to do some clarity.

To be honest, I want to clarify that, fortunately, not all parents react to discover the homosexuality of their child with anger, refusal and confusion, unfortunately, however, very often these are the most immediate reactions.

You must consider that your parents grew up in an era in which the way of considering homosexuality was much more critical than it is today. They probably lived thinking that homosexuality is a disease, a sin or a transgression.

None of this, of course, is correct but, especially if your parents have never known gay or lesbian people in their lives, they may need time to question their prejudices.

Time is a central variable in these situations. Based on my psychologist experience that supports these families, I can assure you that, in most cases, although the first reactions of the parents to the coming out of their child can be hostile, over time their positions become less critical if not, even of total support.

Obviously this time is subjective, varies from person to person, but the thing that matters most is that for parents there is also the possibility of unhingeing one's homophobia, no case is to be considered a priori a lost case.

In this regard, on my page Facebook and on my channel YouTube, you will find several videos in which, making my professional experience available, I add up the theme "Parents and coming out " By providing suggestions, for example, on how to reveal their homosexuality in the family, on how to interact after the coming out with refusing parents, or, again, on what the strategies and tools useful to help parents can be changed their way of considering homosexuality. I hope you can find them useful.

To conclude, dear Andrea, it is more than understandable that the relationship with this boy has generated many questions, doubts and fears in you.

My advice, however, is to continue doing what I seem to understand from your email you are already doing, that is to enjoy these emotions and live them to the end and with light -heartedness. Moreover, only by living step by step our life can we become aware of who we are, what and who we like and what are the fundamental ingredients for our happiness.

A dear hug and good life.

Arianna Petilli

*Arianna Petilli is a psychologist and cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist enrolled in the Order of Psychologists of Tuscany with the number 6500. He carries out the private clinical activity in Florence, mainly dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder, eating behavior disorders and anxiety disorders. He also works with gay and lesbian patients, helping them in the process of acceptance of their sexual orientation and in facing the difficulties related to homophobia, social and internalized.
It organizes training meetings and manages deepening courses aimed at couples, heterosexual and homosexuals. He works with the parents of gay and lesbian children to help them elaborate the discovery, if destabilizing for them, and to lead them towards a more affirmative vision of the homosexuality and less conditioned by prejudices. She was a rapporteur in forums and conferences, national and international and she is the author of the research work "Religion and homosexuality: an empirical study on internalized homophobia of homosexual people according to the degree of religiosity"That, for the first time in Italy, analyzes in depth the impact of the teachings of the magisterium of the Catholic Church on the life of homosexual people and investigates the effects that a Catholic pastoral, inclusive and welcoming, can have on gays and on Catholic lesbians. For more information, see its site onwww.ariannapetilli.it and watch his videos on Facebook come on YouTube.