Nobody Alone. The journey of parents of LGBTQ+ people in the Focolare movement
Testimony of Paolo Crociani and Chiara Mascali of None alone, group of parents of LGBTQ+ people from the Focolare Movement, Presented at the National Focolare Congress “always be a family. Beyond borders and categories. Towards the inclusiveness "(Mariapoli of Castel Gandolfo, 10-12 May 2024)
From 10 to 12 May 2024 the annual congress of the Italy area of the Italy of the Focolare movement, about eight hundred people from all over the peninsula participated. The title of the congress was Beyond borders and categories, towards inclusiveness And one of the topics addressed, to which a morning was dedicated, was the gender identity and sexual orientation. The first intervention was entrusted to Chiara d'Urbano, psychologist and psychotherapist consultant of the dicastery for the clergy, and then an intervention by the spouses Maria and Raimondo Scotto was followed who briefly told of the birth, within the movement of Outbreaks, Of the group Nobody Alone, formed by parents with LGBTQ+children. The morning ended with our intervention: the experience lived by parents of a homo -affective child.
The group None alone He was born within theWork of Mary (Movement of Outbreaks) to respond to the stresses that came from some members of the Movement, in particular by the parents of people LGBTQ+ and young people. From these solicitations, all the problem relating to the LGBTQ+world was highlighted, a problem that caused, and still causes a lot of suffering. The group is coordinated by the spouses Maria Lubrano and Raimondo Scotto. Raimondo is a doctor who has published several books on the couple's life and the sexuality lived in couples together with Maria. The two spouses, coming into contact with the stories of suffering of many families with LGBTQ+children, felt the urgency to update themselves to get to know this reality better and intervene to be of help. Thus become "animators", in reality they realize that they are in a certain sense "animated" by the group, sensitized and also converted to their old convictions. In fact, precisely from the communion lived in the group, true, profound, without veils, their gaze has changed, the heart and mind have transformed, illuminated. Each child brings within himself a mystery, an unpublished. It is necessary to free yourself from stereotypes and prejudices, travel a path that helps us to see humanity in a new light, through the eyes of God, the only light source. Over time None alone developed inside the Focolare movement In various parts of the world, from Brazil to Portugal to Germany, with different animators. Here in Italy it is composed for now by about forty people.
Here is our "history".
Clare
My name is Chiara, I am married to Paolo and we have four children, three females and a boy, we live in a small town near Milan. I would like, here, here, with you, to tell the path we have traveled and that we are still walking and that has led us to express, albeit at different times, our joy for a fact that only a few years ago seemed something strange and distant from us, from our life as committed Christians and belonging to Focolare movement. Questo percorso, abbastanza lungo, ci ha permesso di riconoscere la grazia ricevuta da Dio per il grande dono di amore di nostro figlio Emanuele. Devo dire infatti che all’inizio non la pensavamo così. Quando Emanuele parlò a me per la prima volta della sua omosessualità, fu un duro colpo! Successe durante una sera in cui io e lui, che all’epoca aveva vent’anni, stavamo tornando a casa in macchina, ed era da un po’ di tempo che non ci vedevamo, perché in quel periodo lui viveva a Milano dai nonni per frequentare l’università. A un certo punto mi disse, molto serio: «Mamma ti devo dire una cosa…». Avevo capito dal tono delle sue parole che si trattava di una cosa importante. Pensai che forse volesse dirmi che si era messo con una ragazza e pensai a Martina, una sua carissima amica d’infanzia che abitava a Milano, sapevo da mia madre che ogni tanto usciva con lei la sera. Invece la notizia era un’altra, che mai io mi sarei aspettata: «Mamma io mi innamoro solo di ragazzi». Mi prese un colpo! «Ah», risposi io, e per un po’ rimasi senza parole, molto turbata. Ma cercai di calmarmi e tranquillizzandomi, pensai che forse si stesse sbagliando e infatti gli dissi proprio così: «Ma, sai, forse ti sbagli, è presto per dire una cosa simile…sei giovane e… come fai a esserne sicuro… forse non hai ancora trovato la ragazza giusta… anzi è probabile che sia così… vedrai che… ecc… ecc…».
And so I reassured me, convincing me that it was certainly so !! But he, very serious, interrupted me and repeated that thing sure and decisive, who had not been his choice, but who had been discovered him for four years now and was absolutely certain.
It was then that I was taken from a sense of internal upheaval but, trying in every way to disagree the turmoil that I felt inside, these words gone from the heart: "Emanuele, I love you as much as you are!" And I thanked him for telling me such an intimate and important thing.
But ... when we arrived at home it was late evening, Emanuele went to bed and I found myself lying on the sofa and I felt like a tile I had fallen between head and neck: why my son? Where were we wrong? What had gone wrong? I was confused, stunned, worried and cried ...
When I finally went to bed, I prayed to God asking him for the grace to give me the light, to find, in what then seemed to me a pain, his love as a father. And the light slowly seemed to arrive, first a light, then, gradually brighter: if I had always thought that the children were a gift of God, then Emanuele is certainly, just as the other three of my daughters are, a gift of God, and God's gifts are gifts of love !!
But I was struggling to recognize this love, I felt alone, it seemed impossible to be able to speak freely, without any judgment falling on us or, worse still, on him, that he had always been seriously busy, from an early age, with the children and then with the young people of the Focolare movement. I began to document myself on what the Church said, the catechism and I felt me die: there were many ugly words, "against" and there were the words "intrinsically disordered acts". Of course, they were things I knew in theory, but thinking about my son ... wasn't it possible, how could they be true? It was an unbearable pain, I knew him well, he was a very good guy!
Paul
In the meantime, Emanuele also suffered, he felt misunderstood, put aside, and I also suffered with him. Some time earlier, while still attending the fifth year of classical high school which, as you imagine, is very demanding, epileptic crises began to occur almost daily and during the day. They left him confused, prostrate, tired. Concerned we started visits with psychologists, then psychiatrists and neurological exams. He was prescribed medicines that partly mitigated the manifestation of crises but with important secondary effects that always left him a little intoned. There was the risk of withdrawing his driving license, indispensable by living in a small village without public transport. In any case, after having managed to earn the graduation of the classical high school without difficulty, Emanuele enrolled at the university and it was then that he made his coming out. Initially he did it only with me making me promise not to say anything to the mother because he wanted to do it. When he decided to do it that evening, I was away for work for which I unfortunately could not help Chiara. On the other hand, in those months I was very fought if you communicate it or whether to respect Emanuele's will on such a personal and intimate thing.
As a father I was very worried as well as for his health also for his future: I thought of the difficulties he would encounter in the work profession and also for his possibilities of insertion in a discriminating society that struggles to accept diversity. As, on the other hand, I also struggled to accept the reality of having a homosexual child. The turning point took place when someone made us meet groups of Christians LGBTQ+ and also groups of parents that we started attending, groups that met, always followed by at least one priest commissioned by the diocese, to share experiences and to study the documents of the Church and the More recent scientific documents on the theme LGBTQ+. Then we started the very enriching experience of None alone. Emanuele also started his spiritual journey in one of these groups to understand the will of God.
Clear
We understood that God, in his immense love, created Emanuele, and created him like this, and if we are his parents and love him as he is, how much more will God who loves all his children love? We also understood a very important thing to know: being homosexual is not a choice, not even a psychological pathology, it is a way of being that cannot be changed. There is nothing wrong, nobody is the fault.
Some time later, wanting to deepen this new reality that God had presented us, I thought that by giving me Emanuele he wanted to tell me something again and a verse of the Gospel of John came to mind, who went to seek and reread: «Rabbi, who has sinned, he Or his parents, why was he born blind? Jesus replied: neither he, nor his parents, but this is the case why the works of God were manifested in him "and the light became bright and dazzling!
In fact, the first few days I hoped and prayed that Emanuele did not fall in love, not to commit sin, but reading that verse, God made me take another step forward: "... why God's works were manifested!". How could it be sinned? I realized that with this prayer I prevented him from being happy because Emanuele wanted to love a companion and be faithful to him, exactly as as a girl I wanted him! Then I changed my prayer: "I pray to God, make my Son walk towards happiness, in your will, whatever you thought for him".
And it happened that God, in his great love, gave him a companion, Rocco, a Christian belonging to the Battista Church, who loves him and with whom he started this path in Christian life.
In September of last year Emanuele and Rocco first united civilly, then they joined with a religious ceremony in the Battista church of Milan. During the two ceremonies I expressed myself with these words:
«Rocco dear, you and Emanuele you are a mutual gift, but happiness is not there around the corner, God has united you because together you can walk towards it, God has confidence in you! We accompany you with our love, eternally grateful to the Lord for having enlarged our hearts and made the beauty of all the creatures in which God has blown his spirit, on a piece of humanity that we thought foreign and far but that we are revealed to be new and beautiful, illuminated by many colors, like a rainbow! ».
Paul
Now Emanuele is fully inserted in the working world. He obtained his master's degree and having won a public competition works as administrative in the healthcare sector. Epileptic crises have ceased and medicines they still take are residual.
We then understood that when our children feel fully welcomed, all their potential and their best sides come out. Emanuele felt that he committed himself to the path of ecumenism was elected to the ecumenical council of the churches of the diocese and carries out this commitment with passion to help Christians of various churches to dialogue to understand each other and try to achieve common objectives such as solidarity, peace , benevolence, mercy with common initiatives.
The story of our story had a strong impact on the assembly: an absolute silence, a kidnapped attention, an involvement that also brought tears to tears and, at the end, numerous thanks and beyond; In fact, they presented themselves to us and the spouses are burned with parents and grandparents who, timidly and discreetly, confided to us that secret who held inside and asked us to enter the group None alone.
We had the impression that the Holy Spirit did not skimp his gifts.
The seed has been thrown, another step forward was taken!
