Non è colpa vostra se vostro figlio è omosessuale

Testo tratto dal libro di Susan Cottrell, “Mom, I’m Gay”. Loving Your LGBTQ Child without Sacrificing Your Faith (“Mamma sono gay”. Come potete amare vostro figlio lgbtq senza sacrificare la vostra fede), paragrafo 3, editore Westminster John Knox, edizione riveduta, Maggio 2016, libera traduzione di Diana

“Mio figlio è gay. Di continuo mi chiedo, come padre, come posso aver causato questa “idolatria”. Chi sono io che ho ingarbugliato tutto così malamente, così da creare qualcosa che nemmeno Dio può cambiare? È ridicolo”. – Greg

Il primo pensiero che viene in mente a molti genitori è, “come ho potuto provocare ciò?”. Secondo i luoghi comuni si pensa che la causa dell’omosessualità di un figlio o una figlia dipenda da fattori ambientali, da errori dei genitori o da un trauma (conosciuto o no). Molti genitori si sentono certi di ciò. Noi genitori già combattiamo con colpa, rabbia, timori. Così ci torturiamo il cervello e cerchiamo nei nostri cuori di capire dove abbiamo sbagliato. Ma solo alla fine comprendiamo, al di là di ogni dubbio, che nostro figlio è nato così. A volte questo è ovvio, a volte invece i genitori vedono questi segnali solo in seguito.

Ai genitori fa piacere prendersi i meriti, anche se solo in privato, per i successi dei loro figli. Mentre nei momenti bui, si colpevolizzano per i fallimenti dei figli. Perché spesso i genitori involontariamente li vedono come un’estensione di se stessi.

Ma questo significa guardare le cose dal verso sbagliato. I genitori, specialmente quelli Cristiani, si possono trovare invischiati nelle vite dei loro figli. Noi li consideriamo come una tela bianca, e se ne ricaviamo il miglior quadro con i giusti colori, tutto andrà bene. Ma la genitorialità non ha mai agito in questo modo.

Kate e Jeff avevano sospettato che uno dei loro figli fosse gay, e col suo coming out si sono tranquillizzati abbastanza in fretta. Ma quando anche la loro figlia fece coming out, Kate (che lo seppe prima del marito) ne fu distrutta. Venne da me a pezzi pensando di aver causato l’omosessualità della figlia. Io le chiesi di domandare a Dio se fosse stata lei la causa, (io sapevo la risposta, ma lei la doveva imparare da sola). Lei pregò, ma non sentì nessuna risposta. “Tutto quello che ne ricavai è il ricordo di nostro figlio Dave, talmente spaventato di essere stato la causa dell’omosessualità della sorella. Mi si spezzava il cuore”. Io aspettai.

"Vedi la relazione?”, gli chiesi. “Do you think that condemning yourself is equally unlikely as Dave that condemns yourself? God is telling you the same thing - you have not caused the homosexuality of your daughter, as Dave did not cause that of his sister". He regained peace when he was assured that he had not been his fault.

Parents have a huge influence on their children. God places the children in the hands of the parents, so that they guide them and protect them. Parents can provide unique opportunities to a child by making him a doctor or avoid dangers. But they cannot have an influence on their life. I speak seriously.

You could never have made your son a doctor, if he was not depended on your child - otherwise there would have been serious collateral damage. How many children have been forced to take a road that was not theirs? Aaron had no other options, by his father, than to become a lawyer. And he became it. But in the end he left the right, because he hated her.

On the other hand, some boys (like me) passed the afternoons not supervised in the homes of nearby boys, who took drugs, yet they came out unscathed. I felt that God protected me, as well as many other boys.

I do not say to abdicate from your responsibilities as parents, I just say that you do not have total control, as you think, of your boys' lives. It can be a brutal revelation - followed by a profound relief - to see how little control we have on our children. Unfortunately, renouncing its notion of control is very difficult, due to decades of false information propagated by the media.

When Jerry Falwell founded the movement "in the 70s"Moral Majority"(Moral majority) [1] American radio television broadcasts on religious rights, such as Focus On the Family (we put the family in the center), immediately appropriate this movement. They attributed the homosexuality (always blamed) to an absent father or an authoritarian mother. Studies do not support these statements -they were not true, no matter how many times they were repeated -however these ideas have been inculcated deeply into our mind over the years and have caused incalculable damage.

Fortunately we have a new generation that no longer believes in these ideas, although we notice they still have repercussions, when parents blame themselves or their children because they are gay. So throw these beliefs away, it doesn't matter where you heard them and how long.

You have to fight, you have to look in your conscience and pray, so you will come to peace and you will come to the conclusion that it is not your "fault". You would have preferred that your child was not gay or transgender, but nothing you have or have not done, made your homosexual son. Please take example from those who have understood, after a long struggle, that the sexual orientation of their children has always been there and that you have no fault.

Freedhearts' work

• Do you think that you, or your spouse, or other factors of your childhood have caused this? Why or why not? Take into consideration to ask God to show you if this is true or not.
• Ask God to give you an image of what you think has caused your child's homosexuality. Then any event you remember, ask God if this is the cause for which your child is LGBTQ. (I'm here to say no, it's no, but you have to find out for yourself.)

_____________

[1] "Moral Majority" (moral majority) is a conservative political and religious movement, trained in the 70s, who asked for prayer in schools and restrictive laws against abortion.